True, This! -
Beneath the rule of men entirely great,The pen is mightier than the sword. Behold
The arch-enchanters wand! - itself a nothing! -
But taking sorcery from the master-hand
To paralyse the Caesars, and to strike
The loud earth breathless! - Take away the sword -
States can be saved without it!
~Edward Bulwer-Lytton
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But names will never hurt me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can also hurt me.
Stones and sticks break only skin, while words are ghosts that haunt me.
Slant and curved the word-swords fall, it pierces and sticks inside me.
Bats and bricks may ache through bones, but words can mortify me.
Pain from words has left its' scar, on mind and hear that's tender.
Cuts and bruises have not healed, it's words that I remember.
~Ruby Redfort
How many times growing up did you hear, or say "sticks and stones......words/names will never hurt me", all the while knowing that, in truth, those words did hurt. Getting hit hurts, it leaves a mark, it can make you bleed, but these things pass with time. A stubbed toe hurts horribly, but ice and a bandage makes it better. A hug, a kind word from a loved one, these things make the pain go away. Harsh words, screams of rage, words spoken in anger, these leave long lasting scars. They leave deep scars. They affect us at our very core. And yet, as adults and as parents we often find ourselves, without thought, using words, or language, or a tone of voice that scars our children. Many of us don't do it intentionally, we get caught up in the moment, we don't think that our children are paying that much attention to us. But they are.
When we sit and scream at the television, the news we're watching, or the sports game, our children listen. They learn. When we talk about our ex's and how much we hate them, our children listen. Every word we speak around our children teaches them something. Especially at an early age. If you say it, they hear it, if they hear it, they learn it. And then they repeat it. And that is when you have to stop and think, why did my child just use that word? Why does my child think it's OK to say such a thing. Oh, because I do. You are the very first teacher your child is exposed to. They learn from us, they emulate us, in the end, they end up much like us.
I have, on many occasions, become angry or annoyed at my child for the things they have said. And then I realize that they are only repeating what I have said. How can we expect a young child to know that it isn't acceptable? At the age of 5 or 7 or even 15, if they see the parent do it, time and time again, how can they be expected to not? And how can they then take the parent seriously when we tell them not to do it? Do as I say, not as I do only works in theory. And it goes further that harsh words. It is those words and phrases we use every day when talking with our children. There are some that say it's best to talk with your child as closer to a peer than a child, I'm certainly not one of those people. Children are children (obviously), but they are much smarter than we often give them credit for. Take the following phrases for example. I'm quite guilty of using each and every one. And I don't stop often enough to ponder what it is my children actually hear when I do.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
~~~Ephesians 4:29
What is your problem? I have asked this of my children, my wife, my friends. I've never really stopped to think just how aggressive this question is. Or that it's accusing, somewhat demeaning and completely rhetorical. I don't want a response. I certainly don't expect one. It's nothing more than a nicer way of yelling. Nice as it may be on the surface, it has the same end result.
I'm not one for the touchy, politically correct "new age" approach. I actually rather loath it. However, there are much better ways to say what you're thinking and what you're feeling than simply yelling "what is your problem!". What about asking if something is bothering them? You know that there is a problem, or you wouldn't have demanded to know what it is, so ask them nicely. Ask them if they want to talk about it, or need to talk about. Show them how to communicate and express their feelings in a positive way.
Calm down! Umm, OK parental unit, way to lead by example here. Seriously. If you, the adult, the parent, the person in charge, can't remain calm how in the world to expect the child to do it? How many years of experience controlling yourself do you have? And them? Think about what your body language, your words and your tone of voice are conveying to your child. You are asking them to do what you aren't able. Imagine if your child looked at you and said "you first". Or "show me how". Because that is what you're doing, you're showing them exactly the opposite of what you're asking them. Give them a positive reason to calm down. Something along the lines of, "when you calm down we'll finish .......".
Why do you always do that? How is a child supposed to answer this question? Perhaps you're asking the wrong person. Ask yourself what would cause your child to repeat the same behavior, with the same negative outcome, over and over again. How did they learn this behavior? If they keep doing something they know the parent doesn't approve of, they're doing for a reason.
And there's my personal favorite. One I find myself using more and more often without really thinking about it. In fact I'm pretty sure I used this phrase once or twice today.
How many times have I told you? This can be followed by a few different words. I'm sure you know the ones I'm talking about. Not to, how to, to _________. You may as well tell your child they're stupid. It amounts to the same thing. You're telling them that there really must be something wrong with them. And it's another rhetorical question that you really don't want an answer to. My daughter once came back with "I don't know, like a trillion". I'm trying a different approach. Something similar to "What did I tell you the last time you did that?" It's a reminder. It's a direct question. And most importantly it's a question with an answer. Do you honestly expect your young child to remember everything you say to them? Look at how busy they are, how fast they go. It takes time, patience and repetition for them to learn.
I have learned a method I find quite useful. Not just with my children, but people. When I get frustrated, angry, hostile, I hit the pause button. I close my mouth. I stop typing. I take a moment, or 5. I think. It is, ironically enough, called the STOP method.
Stop when you realizing your actions aren't appropriate
Take a breath (or 5 or 500)
Observe what is going on, with your body, your reactions, the situation
Proceed, also uses as Plan
Much of parenting seems to be anger management. Anger and frustration. Much too often we react without first thinking about how our reaction will affect our child. The words we choose, the tones we use, the way we react, our children pick up on all of it, they learn form us and in the end, they tend to emulate us.
"A man is about as big as the things that him him angry."
~Winston Churchill
"Anger blows out the lamp of the mind."
~Robert Green Ingersoll
"Anger is never without reason, but seldom a good one"
~Benjamin Franklin
~HaririAR, Tessitore A, Mattay VS, Fera F,Weinberger DR.. The amygdala response to emotional stimuli: a comparison of faces and scenes. Neuroimage. 2002 Sep;17(1):317-23.
"Even words that don’t have a negative connotation – such as “You’re the smart one” – can have an adverse effect on children. It’s a lot of pressure that may be put on a child that is inadvertently too much for them, but they still strive to live up to that label, because every child, remember, at the end of the day, wants to make their parent happy and love them and accept them and do what’s right, believe it or not. When you pick out one attribute, such as, “You’re pretty," or “You’re the smart one," you also derail your child from thinking of themselves of other possibilities. So even though these comments may be a good strength-based comment, there are a whole other array of things you can say to your child that are all strength-based."
~~~~Dr. Charles Sophy, child psychologist
I often hear it said that hate, racism, bigotry and such are learned behaviors. And they are. A child isn't born a racist. A child is born a misogynist, or a bigot. They learn this from the adults in their life. And the usually learn it early. A child that is never taught to hate a person because of their sexuality with not suddenly decide to do so as an adult. A child that is taught to communicate, to express their feelings, to control and deal with their anger, will not suddenly forget how to do these things later in life. The opposite isn't so true. If we don't teach our children to think before they speak, who will? If we don't teach our children that hate and bigotry aren't OK, who will? Remember that the words you speak become the actions they live. How many children become bullies because they felt bullied by a parent? If you call a child stupid, or bad, or inept or anything else negative enough times they believe it. And then they become it. These children have no sense of boundaries and that allows others to abuse and take advantage of them. Sociological and psychological studies have shown that children with low self-esteem are easy prey to bullies. Many others become underachievers because they believe that they are not smart enough and have nothing to contribute in the academic setting. Of course, many more become bullies because they want to exert and prove to others that they have power but inwardly they know that they are quite insignificant.
Additional reading and sources:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/words-can-change-your-brain/201207/the-most-dangerous-word-in-the-world
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