The what?

The plight of the American father. Have you ever thought about? We focus on women and their issues. We spend billions of dollars helping them with those issues. What of the fathers? Look online, or in the phone book, or just look around. Do you see any services or programs for dads? Now, do the same for women. Notice the difference? And no, I'm not one of those angry white men about to go on a tirade about women and minorities and oh poor me. That isn't what this about. It's about a real problem this is mostly ignored in this country. In the world really. That problem is the expectations put on a father, the judgement, the guilt and the lack of any real support. Men are told to suck it up, be man, take care of your responsibilities. Women get the opposite. That is an undeniable truth.

Here are some examples to highlight my point.

"Despite current interest in father involvement in families, an extremely large proportion of family research focuses on mothers and children. Health care agencies and other organizations exclude fathers, often unwittingly. Starting with pregnancy and labor and delivery most appointments are set up for mothers and held at times when fathers work. The same is true for most pediatric visits. School records and files in family service organizations often have the child's and mother's name on the label, and not the father's. In most family agency buildings, the walls are typically pastel colors, the pictures on the wall are of mothers, flowers and babies, the magazines in the waiting room are for women and the staff is predominantly female. In most welfare offices, fathers are not invited to case planning meetings, and when a home visitor is greeted at the door by a man, she often asks to speak with the mother. Given these scenarios, fathers are likely to get the message that they are invisible or irrelevant to their children's welfare, unless it involves financial support."

~The decline of fatherhood and the male identity crisis
   Published on June 19, 2011 by Ray Williams in Wired for Success


We have all heard the term "deadbeat dad". Oh, how we have heard it. Because if you are a man and you have child you're suddenly a walking wallet. The same is never applied to a mom. By many estimates mothers receive primary custody 68-88% of the time, fathers receive primary custody 8-14%, and equal residential custody is awarded in only 2-6% of the cases. There is (an admittedly improving) bias in the family court system toward the fathers. It's painfully obvious to most people. NOLO.com says this: If you are a father and want to ask the court for physical custody, do not let gender stereotypes stop you. If both you and the mother work full-time, and the kids have after-school care, you may be on equal footing. In fact, if you have more flexible hours than the mother, you could have a leg up. In any event, the judge will look at what's best for the children. So if you think that you should have primary custody and that you can persuade the judge that it's in the kids' best interests, you should go ahead and ask for custody. If you present yourself as willing and able to parent, it will go a long way towards challenging any lingering prejudice against you as a father. Sure, that's easy to say, until you experience the bias for yourself.

The point is, there is a common misconception that the father doesn't have a choice. Many dads simply go along with it because it's the norm, it's what society expects. Mom stays home with the kids, dad mans up and provides. That the way it is, that's the way it's supposed to. But is it? Should it be? Why is it socially acceptable for a woman to be a stay at home parent but when the dad does the same he's given many disparaging labels. We expect the father to do many things, but rarely offer them help. Fathers are supposed to figure it out on their own. And when they can't, we just let them fail and then blame them for that failure. The same is certainly not true of of the mom. Some sources attempt to claim that there is no bias when it comes to custody. They look at "who's best for the child". How can a father be best if they don't know how?

If a man has never been given the tools to succeed, the knowledge to use the tools and the support in finding the intestinal fortitude to use all these things, how can he? Take for example basic cooking skills and nutrition. Right or wrong, the majority of women who become mothers have at least rudimentary skill in the kitchen. If the extent of the fathers skill is making a sandwich and opening a box of noodles, how can he have faith and confidence in his ability to feed his children? It's simply easier to let them stay with mom. Because he becomes convinced that it's the better option. And society reinforces that belief. That's just one of many issues facing fathers. There are many more. The social stigma attached to asking for any kind of help. The appearance of bias in family court and family law. The shaming of fathers who make poor choices simply because no one ever took the time to teach them differently. When a mom is poor she's often encouraged to seek state assistance, and then told to "go after that dad for support". When a dad is poor he's told to go get a job.

Why does any of this matter? Because children from a fatherless home are:

• 5 times more likely to commit suicide
• 32 times more likely to run away
• 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
• Boys are 14 times more likely to commit rape
• 9 times more likely to drop out of high school
• 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances
• 9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution
• 20 times more like to end up in prison