Monday, September 1, 2014

Anger management

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
~Benjamin Franklin


One thing that never seems to make it into the average parenting class is anger management. We aren't supposed to admit that we get angry at our children. We aren't supposed to talk about how frustrated we get some days. We live in fear that if we do let it slip suddenly some government agency is going to show up and take our children. So we never really deal with it, we rarely talk about it and many of us have no idea how to address it. Or that we aren't alone. If you have children and you have never experience anger, frustration and even an occasional bout of rage then you are either very, very lucky or taking some outstanding form of medication. If you have experienced these things then it's time you know that you most certainly are not alone.

I can share a few examples from my personal experience. My children have, over the past 7 years, managed to completely destroy no less than 4 computers. "It was dirty daddy, so we washed it for it for you.". Ah yes, you "washed" a several hundred dollar laptop and now you're not understanding why daddy is yelling instead of thanking you. And there I was, yelling at a very young child, expecting them to understand my anger. I was asking my child to grasp the concepts of money, budget, the need for an operable computer. These thoughts filled my head, and in my anger I never stopped to think about the fact that my child didn't understand any of these things. My child was trying to give daddy a clean computer. My child wanted to help. It was, in the end, my fault. It was my fault that I wasn't paying enough attention to what was going on around me. It was my fault that I left a laptop sitting someplace a young child to get to it. In the end I realized that my anger was not only misplaced, but pointless. My children have done many of the "normal" things children do. Smear poop on the wall, paint on things, destroy various items, have tantrums. Some I handled easily, without any level of anger, others not so much.


Being told that kids will do kid things doesn't really help when they destroy a high dollar item. It doesn't help when they're having a huge tantrum in the middle of the store. When they are screaming at 3 in the morning and you have to work in a couple hours it's very difficult to stop and think that they're little, they don't know better, they are still learning how to communicate. And men, fathers, we never really learn how to think like that. Boys aren't supposed to play with dolls, or play house, or push the baby stroller around the house. We aren't encouraged to play "stay at home dad" when we're young. We are told to "toughen up", we're given trucks and army men to play with. And often, when a parent or child crosses that line they are ridiculed for it. Our culture is still convinced that boys do not dress in pink and boys do not play with dolls. And then when we have children we are supposed to instantly grasp the concepts of nurturing. We are supposed to suddenly know how to change a diaper and comfort a crying child. Because trucks are what we played with. And that is what causes much of the problem.

How do we, as men, learn to shut of our "manhood", or what society convinces us our manhood is, at 3 in morning when we need to comfort our child? We have been told, for several thousand years, that we are the provider, the protector, the aggressor. We are supposed to be tough, strong, stoic and certainly not emotional. Even with as far as our culture has come men are still ridiculed for being good fathers. We get made fun of by other men for changing diapers. It's a cycle that needs to stop. We, as men and as fathers need to change the way we think and then, in turn, teach our children a better way to think. We need to make sure our children see us act responsibly, appropriately and safely. We need to remember that what a child sees is what a child becomes. And to that end we need to learn how to control our anger, our reactions and the words we choose to use.

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

Most people, especially men, aggressively. We yell, we cuss, sometimes we even hit. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.


We use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with angry feelings. The three most common approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The problem with suppressed anger, or any emotion, is that it comes out eventually. It comes out later, directed at someone or something else, it comes out in addiction, health problems, mental problems. Suppressing anger can be as damaging as letting it out, it just takes a little longer.  It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior, or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. I know, I was one of those people for much of my life.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside. Easy, right?

Here are some ideas to help control that anger. When your child dumps a cup of water on that new electronic device, or flushes the new phone, paints on the wall, puts a ball through the front window, try one, or all of these. 

Think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything.

 Get some exercise. Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities. It goes well with the next suggestion.
Take a timeout.Timeouts aren't just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry.
Identify possible solutions. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Don't leave the new phone sitting low enough for them to grab it. If you're honest about it almost everything your child does that makes you angry is a direct result of your action, or inaction. 


Practice relaxation skills. When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques. Even if your both don't experience anger to the same degree it can be very helpful to practice these things with a partner. Sometimes it's nice to have someone just remind you to breath. 


Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."

Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Personally my mantra is "breath".

Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. I put myself on a nice warm beach in the tropics.

Non-strenuous slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Cognitive Restructuring. Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Gandhi said it best; 

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”

Change your thoughts and you change your destiny. Angry people have angry thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Suddenly that soggy phone becomes the greatest tragedy to ever befall mankind. Not just a wet phone that can be replaced. Be mindful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. Remember that your words don't just have an affect on you, but your child as well. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). 

Remember to laugh. When my children covered the living room wall, much of the carpet and themselves with pain, I was angry. I yelled. I made them cry. And then I realized that, to them, it was the best art project ever. They had been playing quietly, getting along, having a grand old time. Now, several years later, that paint is still on the wall and the carpet and I look at it and it makes me smile. I remember the looks both my children gave me when I figured out what was going on, and it's funny. I wish that I had realized that at the time.

One very important thing to remember about anger. The emotion passes, usually quickly, the consequences, those stick around. Some much longer than others. Words have lasting effects on those who hear them. Actions can have serious repercussions. This is true in every aspect of life, not just fatherhood. Slow down, take a deep breath and think about why you're angry, if it's really that bad and if your reaction is worthy of its cause.

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