Thursday, September 11, 2014
Friday, September 5, 2014
The most important thing you can give your child
is your time. It can't be sold, it doesn't impress the neighbors, you can't hang it on the wall or put it in the bank, but is the single most valuable thing you can every give to a child.
Time is what we want most, but what we use worst.William Penn
I have read, watched and listened to so many different people lamenting the loss of this, that or the other thing and blaming said loss on the degradation of our society. "We took religion out...", it's video games, it's movies, it's everything but the parent. What it is, or what it isn't, is the amount of time we spend with our children. Time actually spent with the child. Driving them to practice, or a game or school, that doesn't count. "Yes, but I sat in the stands and watched" isn't good enough. Children need parents. Involved, interested, responsive parents who dedicate time to being a parent. How often do you see parents truly engaged with their child? Look around. I see kids playing with mommies phone or tablet while mom is busy doing something else. I see children running rampant around the store because the parent is engrossed in what they are doing and completely oblivious to their child. The neighborhood I live in is filled with kids, yet I rarely see a parent. Apparently they're too busy doing other things. And then we wonder why the children do the things they do.
Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, not slowly either, but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels and a hoarse roar of power or terror. It's passing, yet I'm the one who's doing all the moving.
But what minutes! Count them by sensation, and not by calendars, and each moment is a day. ~Benjamin Disraeli
There is one kind of robber whom the law does not strike at, and who steals what is most precious to men: time.
Time is what we want most, but what we use worst.William Penn
I have read, watched and listened to so many different people lamenting the loss of this, that or the other thing and blaming said loss on the degradation of our society. "We took religion out...", it's video games, it's movies, it's everything but the parent. What it is, or what it isn't, is the amount of time we spend with our children. Time actually spent with the child. Driving them to practice, or a game or school, that doesn't count. "Yes, but I sat in the stands and watched" isn't good enough. Children need parents. Involved, interested, responsive parents who dedicate time to being a parent. How often do you see parents truly engaged with their child? Look around. I see kids playing with mommies phone or tablet while mom is busy doing something else. I see children running rampant around the store because the parent is engrossed in what they are doing and completely oblivious to their child. The neighborhood I live in is filled with kids, yet I rarely see a parent. Apparently they're too busy doing other things. And then we wonder why the children do the things they do.
Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, not slowly either, but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels and a hoarse roar of power or terror. It's passing, yet I'm the one who's doing all the moving.
~Martin Amis
And life, it does pass us by. Some faster than others. So many spend their time working, worrying about buying the next big thing. Trying to keep up with what society tells them they must have. All the while forgetting the one thing they should be focused on, their child. People will stand in line for days to get a new phone, or tickets to some show but often can't be bothered to spend 10 minutes with the child they chose to create. People seem to equate spending money on a child with being a parent to the child. When you buy them a new xbox, that's not parenting, that's giving them something to fill the time with. If their room is full of toys and electronics but never sees a parent, that's not parenting. That's not being a part of your child's life.
Adults seem convinced that children need things. They don't. They need parents. Things are fun, sure, but not if they come at the expense of a parent. If you're buying your child things perhaps you should ask yourself why. Is it out of guilt, because you're always at work? Why are you always at work? Is it worth it? Is the overtime to pay for the new car worth it in the end? When you watch your child grow up through other peoples photographs and video, is it worth this just to have that shiny car parked in the driveway? I don't think so. We make the choice to have children. Man or woman, or both, we make that choice. Once you make that choice to bring a child into this world it is your responsibility to raise that child into a decent person. And no, I don't mean it's your responsibility to financially support the mother, or the state. It's much much more than that. Yes, a child need basics to survive. Clothes, food, a place to live. But those are of little use if they never have a parent. An involved, loving, nurturing parent who makes the child their number one priority.
If you're working 70 hours a week so that you can save up for that big vacation, so you can spend "quality time" with kids, you're doing it wrong. No, really. If you're working 14 hours a day "for the kids", you're doing it wrong. Kids need parents. Parents that have time to be parents. If you show up to watch the play but have no idea what the play is about because you've been ignoring your child's request to help practice lines because you have "work" to do then showing up isn't going to fix that.
Here's something to think about. If you died tomorrow, while working overtime because your boss has some deadline, is that boss going to care next week? Is that boss going to care in a month when your position has been filled by someone who does it faster for less money? Nope. Are you beer drinking buddies going to care? Probably not much, not really. Is your child going to care? Is your child going to care in a year? In 10? The car you're working so hard to pay for, it doesn't care if you live or die. Neither does the house, or the boat or any of the other meaningless things we obsess about. Your child, your child will care. Your child will watch, and learn and eventually decide that the new motorcycle is more important to you than they are. And they will act accordingly.
~Napoleon I, Maxims, 1815
At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent.
~Barbara Bush
Monday, September 1, 2014
Anger management
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
~Benjamin Franklin
One thing that never seems to make it into the average parenting class is anger management. We aren't supposed to admit that we get angry at our children. We aren't supposed to talk about how frustrated we get some days. We live in fear that if we do let it slip suddenly some government agency is going to show up and take our children. So we never really deal with it, we rarely talk about it and many of us have no idea how to address it. Or that we aren't alone. If you have children and you have never experience anger, frustration and even an occasional bout of rage then you are either very, very lucky or taking some outstanding form of medication. If you have experienced these things then it's time you know that you most certainly are not alone.
I can share a few examples from my personal experience. My children have, over the past 7 years, managed to completely destroy no less than 4 computers. "It was dirty daddy, so we washed it for it for you.". Ah yes, you "washed" a several hundred dollar laptop and now you're not understanding why daddy is yelling instead of thanking you. And there I was, yelling at a very young child, expecting them to understand my anger. I was asking my child to grasp the concepts of money, budget, the need for an operable computer. These thoughts filled my head, and in my anger I never stopped to think about the fact that my child didn't understand any of these things. My child was trying to give daddy a clean computer. My child wanted to help. It was, in the end, my fault. It was my fault that I wasn't paying enough attention to what was going on around me. It was my fault that I left a laptop sitting someplace a young child to get to it. In the end I realized that my anger was not only misplaced, but pointless. My children have done many of the "normal" things children do. Smear poop on the wall, paint on things, destroy various items, have tantrums. Some I handled easily, without any level of anger, others not so much.
Being told that kids will do kid things doesn't really help when they destroy a high dollar item. It doesn't help when they're having a huge tantrum in the middle of the store. When they are screaming at 3 in the morning and you have to work in a couple hours it's very difficult to stop and think that they're little, they don't know better, they are still learning how to communicate. And men, fathers, we never really learn how to think like that. Boys aren't supposed to play with dolls, or play house, or push the baby stroller around the house. We aren't encouraged to play "stay at home dad" when we're young. We are told to "toughen up", we're given trucks and army men to play with. And often, when a parent or child crosses that line they are ridiculed for it. Our culture is still convinced that boys do not dress in pink and boys do not play with dolls. And then when we have children we are supposed to instantly grasp the concepts of nurturing. We are supposed to suddenly know how to change a diaper and comfort a crying child. Because trucks are what we played with. And that is what causes much of the problem.
How do we, as men, learn to shut of our "manhood", or what society convinces us our manhood is, at 3 in morning when we need to comfort our child? We have been told, for several thousand years, that we are the provider, the protector, the aggressor. We are supposed to be tough, strong, stoic and certainly not emotional. Even with as far as our culture has come men are still ridiculed for being good fathers. We get made fun of by other men for changing diapers. It's a cycle that needs to stop. We, as men and as fathers need to change the way we think and then, in turn, teach our children a better way to think. We need to make sure our children see us act responsibly, appropriately and safely. We need to remember that what a child sees is what a child becomes. And to that end we need to learn how to control our anger, our reactions and the words we choose to use.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.
Most people, especially men, aggressively. We yell, we cuss, sometimes we even hit. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
We use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with angry feelings. The three most common approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The problem with suppressed anger, or any emotion, is that it comes out eventually. It comes out later, directed at someone or something else, it comes out in addiction, health problems, mental problems. Suppressing anger can be as damaging as letting it out, it just takes a little longer. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior, or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. I know, I was one of those people for much of my life.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside. Easy, right?
Think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything.
“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
Remember to laugh. When my children covered the living room wall, much of the carpet and themselves with pain, I was angry. I yelled. I made them cry. And then I realized that, to them, it was the best art project ever. They had been playing quietly, getting along, having a grand old time. Now, several years later, that paint is still on the wall and the carpet and I look at it and it makes me smile. I remember the looks both my children gave me when I figured out what was going on, and it's funny. I wish that I had realized that at the time.
One very important thing to remember about anger. The emotion passes, usually quickly, the consequences, those stick around. Some much longer than others. Words have lasting effects on those who hear them. Actions can have serious repercussions. This is true in every aspect of life, not just fatherhood. Slow down, take a deep breath and think about why you're angry, if it's really that bad and if your reaction is worthy of its cause.
~Benjamin Franklin
One thing that never seems to make it into the average parenting class is anger management. We aren't supposed to admit that we get angry at our children. We aren't supposed to talk about how frustrated we get some days. We live in fear that if we do let it slip suddenly some government agency is going to show up and take our children. So we never really deal with it, we rarely talk about it and many of us have no idea how to address it. Or that we aren't alone. If you have children and you have never experience anger, frustration and even an occasional bout of rage then you are either very, very lucky or taking some outstanding form of medication. If you have experienced these things then it's time you know that you most certainly are not alone.
I can share a few examples from my personal experience. My children have, over the past 7 years, managed to completely destroy no less than 4 computers. "It was dirty daddy, so we washed it for it for you.". Ah yes, you "washed" a several hundred dollar laptop and now you're not understanding why daddy is yelling instead of thanking you. And there I was, yelling at a very young child, expecting them to understand my anger. I was asking my child to grasp the concepts of money, budget, the need for an operable computer. These thoughts filled my head, and in my anger I never stopped to think about the fact that my child didn't understand any of these things. My child was trying to give daddy a clean computer. My child wanted to help. It was, in the end, my fault. It was my fault that I wasn't paying enough attention to what was going on around me. It was my fault that I left a laptop sitting someplace a young child to get to it. In the end I realized that my anger was not only misplaced, but pointless. My children have done many of the "normal" things children do. Smear poop on the wall, paint on things, destroy various items, have tantrums. Some I handled easily, without any level of anger, others not so much.
How do we, as men, learn to shut of our "manhood", or what society convinces us our manhood is, at 3 in morning when we need to comfort our child? We have been told, for several thousand years, that we are the provider, the protector, the aggressor. We are supposed to be tough, strong, stoic and certainly not emotional. Even with as far as our culture has come men are still ridiculed for being good fathers. We get made fun of by other men for changing diapers. It's a cycle that needs to stop. We, as men and as fathers need to change the way we think and then, in turn, teach our children a better way to think. We need to make sure our children see us act responsibly, appropriately and safely. We need to remember that what a child sees is what a child becomes. And to that end we need to learn how to control our anger, our reactions and the words we choose to use.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The problem with suppressed anger, or any emotion, is that it comes out eventually. It comes out later, directed at someone or something else, it comes out in addiction, health problems, mental problems. Suppressing anger can be as damaging as letting it out, it just takes a little longer. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior, or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. I know, I was one of those people for much of my life.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside. Easy, right?
Here are some ideas to help control that anger. When your child dumps a cup of water on that new electronic device, or flushes the new phone, paints on the wall, puts a ball through the front window, try one, or all of these.
Get some exercise. Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities. It goes well with the next suggestion.
Take a timeout.Timeouts aren't just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry.
Identify possible solutions. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Don't leave the new phone sitting low enough for them to grab it. If you're honest about it almost everything your child does that makes you angry is a direct result of your action, or inaction.
Practice relaxation skills. When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques. Even if your both don't experience anger to the same degree it can be very helpful to practice these things with a partner. Sometimes it's nice to have someone just remind you to breath.
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Personally my mantra is "breath".
Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. I put myself on a nice warm beach in the tropics.
Non-strenuous slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Cognitive Restructuring. Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Gandhi said it best;
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Personally my mantra is "breath".
Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. I put myself on a nice warm beach in the tropics.
Non-strenuous slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Cognitive Restructuring. Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Gandhi said it best;
“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
Change your thoughts and you change your destiny. Angry people have angry thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Suddenly that soggy phone becomes the greatest tragedy to ever befall mankind. Not just a wet phone that can be replaced. Be mindful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. Remember that your words don't just have an affect on you, but your child as well. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Remember to laugh. When my children covered the living room wall, much of the carpet and themselves with pain, I was angry. I yelled. I made them cry. And then I realized that, to them, it was the best art project ever. They had been playing quietly, getting along, having a grand old time. Now, several years later, that paint is still on the wall and the carpet and I look at it and it makes me smile. I remember the looks both my children gave me when I figured out what was going on, and it's funny. I wish that I had realized that at the time.
One very important thing to remember about anger. The emotion passes, usually quickly, the consequences, those stick around. Some much longer than others. Words have lasting effects on those who hear them. Actions can have serious repercussions. This is true in every aspect of life, not just fatherhood. Slow down, take a deep breath and think about why you're angry, if it's really that bad and if your reaction is worthy of its cause.
Additional reading and sources:
- http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/anger-management/art-20045434
- http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_97.htm
- http://www.angermanagement.org/
- http://www.wtc.army.mil/modules/soldier/s5-angerMGT.html
- http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx?item=4
- http://www.lifescript.com/well-being/articles/0/10_simple_anger_management_tips.aspx
- http://bullying.about.com/od/Bullies/fl/8-Ways-to-Teach-Anger-Management-and-Prevent-Bullying.htm
- http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anger_management_control_tips_techniques.htm
- http://www.nationalparenthelpline.org/find-support/state-resources
Sunday, August 31, 2014
The words we use
True, This! -
Beneath the rule of men entirely great,The pen is mightier than the sword. Behold
The arch-enchanters wand! - itself a nothing! -
But taking sorcery from the master-hand
To paralyse the Caesars, and to strike
The loud earth breathless! - Take away the sword -
States can be saved without it!
~Edward Bulwer-Lytton
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But names will never hurt me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can also hurt me.
Stones and sticks break only skin, while words are ghosts that haunt me.
Slant and curved the word-swords fall, it pierces and sticks inside me.
Bats and bricks may ache through bones, but words can mortify me.
Pain from words has left its' scar, on mind and hear that's tender.
Cuts and bruises have not healed, it's words that I remember.
~Ruby Redfort
How many times growing up did you hear, or say "sticks and stones......words/names will never hurt me", all the while knowing that, in truth, those words did hurt. Getting hit hurts, it leaves a mark, it can make you bleed, but these things pass with time. A stubbed toe hurts horribly, but ice and a bandage makes it better. A hug, a kind word from a loved one, these things make the pain go away. Harsh words, screams of rage, words spoken in anger, these leave long lasting scars. They leave deep scars. They affect us at our very core. And yet, as adults and as parents we often find ourselves, without thought, using words, or language, or a tone of voice that scars our children. Many of us don't do it intentionally, we get caught up in the moment, we don't think that our children are paying that much attention to us. But they are.
When we sit and scream at the television, the news we're watching, or the sports game, our children listen. They learn. When we talk about our ex's and how much we hate them, our children listen. Every word we speak around our children teaches them something. Especially at an early age. If you say it, they hear it, if they hear it, they learn it. And then they repeat it. And that is when you have to stop and think, why did my child just use that word? Why does my child think it's OK to say such a thing. Oh, because I do. You are the very first teacher your child is exposed to. They learn from us, they emulate us, in the end, they end up much like us.
I have, on many occasions, become angry or annoyed at my child for the things they have said. And then I realize that they are only repeating what I have said. How can we expect a young child to know that it isn't acceptable? At the age of 5 or 7 or even 15, if they see the parent do it, time and time again, how can they be expected to not? And how can they then take the parent seriously when we tell them not to do it? Do as I say, not as I do only works in theory. And it goes further that harsh words. It is those words and phrases we use every day when talking with our children. There are some that say it's best to talk with your child as closer to a peer than a child, I'm certainly not one of those people. Children are children (obviously), but they are much smarter than we often give them credit for. Take the following phrases for example. I'm quite guilty of using each and every one. And I don't stop often enough to ponder what it is my children actually hear when I do.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
~~~Ephesians 4:29
What is your problem? I have asked this of my children, my wife, my friends. I've never really stopped to think just how aggressive this question is. Or that it's accusing, somewhat demeaning and completely rhetorical. I don't want a response. I certainly don't expect one. It's nothing more than a nicer way of yelling. Nice as it may be on the surface, it has the same end result.
I'm not one for the touchy, politically correct "new age" approach. I actually rather loath it. However, there are much better ways to say what you're thinking and what you're feeling than simply yelling "what is your problem!". What about asking if something is bothering them? You know that there is a problem, or you wouldn't have demanded to know what it is, so ask them nicely. Ask them if they want to talk about it, or need to talk about. Show them how to communicate and express their feelings in a positive way.
Calm down! Umm, OK parental unit, way to lead by example here. Seriously. If you, the adult, the parent, the person in charge, can't remain calm how in the world to expect the child to do it? How many years of experience controlling yourself do you have? And them? Think about what your body language, your words and your tone of voice are conveying to your child. You are asking them to do what you aren't able. Imagine if your child looked at you and said "you first". Or "show me how". Because that is what you're doing, you're showing them exactly the opposite of what you're asking them. Give them a positive reason to calm down. Something along the lines of, "when you calm down we'll finish .......".
Why do you always do that? How is a child supposed to answer this question? Perhaps you're asking the wrong person. Ask yourself what would cause your child to repeat the same behavior, with the same negative outcome, over and over again. How did they learn this behavior? If they keep doing something they know the parent doesn't approve of, they're doing for a reason.
And there's my personal favorite. One I find myself using more and more often without really thinking about it. In fact I'm pretty sure I used this phrase once or twice today.
How many times have I told you? This can be followed by a few different words. I'm sure you know the ones I'm talking about. Not to, how to, to _________. You may as well tell your child they're stupid. It amounts to the same thing. You're telling them that there really must be something wrong with them. And it's another rhetorical question that you really don't want an answer to. My daughter once came back with "I don't know, like a trillion". I'm trying a different approach. Something similar to "What did I tell you the last time you did that?" It's a reminder. It's a direct question. And most importantly it's a question with an answer. Do you honestly expect your young child to remember everything you say to them? Look at how busy they are, how fast they go. It takes time, patience and repetition for them to learn.
I have learned a method I find quite useful. Not just with my children, but people. When I get frustrated, angry, hostile, I hit the pause button. I close my mouth. I stop typing. I take a moment, or 5. I think. It is, ironically enough, called the STOP method.
Stop when you realizing your actions aren't appropriate
Take a breath (or 5 or 500)
Observe what is going on, with your body, your reactions, the situation
Proceed, also uses as Plan
Much of parenting seems to be anger management. Anger and frustration. Much too often we react without first thinking about how our reaction will affect our child. The words we choose, the tones we use, the way we react, our children pick up on all of it, they learn form us and in the end, they tend to emulate us.
"A man is about as big as the things that him him angry."
~Winston Churchill
"Anger blows out the lamp of the mind."
~Robert Green Ingersoll
"Anger is never without reason, but seldom a good one"
~Benjamin Franklin
~HaririAR, Tessitore A, Mattay VS, Fera F,Weinberger DR.. The amygdala response to emotional stimuli: a comparison of faces and scenes. Neuroimage. 2002 Sep;17(1):317-23.
"Even words that don’t have a negative connotation – such as “You’re the smart one” – can have an adverse effect on children. It’s a lot of pressure that may be put on a child that is inadvertently too much for them, but they still strive to live up to that label, because every child, remember, at the end of the day, wants to make their parent happy and love them and accept them and do what’s right, believe it or not. When you pick out one attribute, such as, “You’re pretty," or “You’re the smart one," you also derail your child from thinking of themselves of other possibilities. So even though these comments may be a good strength-based comment, there are a whole other array of things you can say to your child that are all strength-based."
~~~~Dr. Charles Sophy, child psychologist
I often hear it said that hate, racism, bigotry and such are learned behaviors. And they are. A child isn't born a racist. A child is born a misogynist, or a bigot. They learn this from the adults in their life. And the usually learn it early. A child that is never taught to hate a person because of their sexuality with not suddenly decide to do so as an adult. A child that is taught to communicate, to express their feelings, to control and deal with their anger, will not suddenly forget how to do these things later in life. The opposite isn't so true. If we don't teach our children to think before they speak, who will? If we don't teach our children that hate and bigotry aren't OK, who will? Remember that the words you speak become the actions they live. How many children become bullies because they felt bullied by a parent? If you call a child stupid, or bad, or inept or anything else negative enough times they believe it. And then they become it. These children have no sense of boundaries and that allows others to abuse and take advantage of them. Sociological and psychological studies have shown that children with low self-esteem are easy prey to bullies. Many others become underachievers because they believe that they are not smart enough and have nothing to contribute in the academic setting. Of course, many more become bullies because they want to exert and prove to others that they have power but inwardly they know that they are quite insignificant.
Additional reading and sources:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/words-can-change-your-brain/201207/the-most-dangerous-word-in-the-world
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Fathers and the film industry
"The combination of two factors make this report important reading for anyone concerned about the state of American society," said NFI President Wade F. Horn, Ph.D. "One, nearly 40 percent of America's children do not live with their biological father and two, television is arguably America's most powerful cultural institution. "Thus," he continued, "for millions of American children, the only portrayal of what a father is and how a father should behave is found on television."
I have a 7 year old daughter. She, like many children these days, watches entirely too much television. The Nielsen Co. reported that in 2009, children’s television viewing had reached an eight-year high. Children ages 2 to 5 watched TV for more than 32 hours a week. Kids ages 6 to 8 spent 28 hours per week in front of the tube, most likely because they were in school, explains Nielsen. The Kaiser Family Foundation also conducted research on the media habits of children ages 8 to 18. Kaiser found that on average, this age group spends 4½ hours each day watching TV in various forms, including on their mobile phones and the Internet.
Despite all their efforts, however, dads have to sit back and watch themselves being endlessly lampooned on television as not much more than lazy sperm donors. Half of them complained that too many families on television were either shown with feckless fathers - or with no father figures in sight at all. The insidious message that men are witless and pointless, mere playthings to be stamped on by the entire family is broadcast over and over again.
Matt Campbell, an administrator for Mensactivism.org, expressed his own concerns about the consequences of such media content.
"Negative general portrayals of fathers/husbands/men in TV commercials and sit-coms contributes to a decrease in men wanting to assume those roles in society, and creates the impression among others that men need not assume such roles anyways, that such simply aren't important."
"They're kind of stupid and they're not needed," Gurian said regarding fathers in the media. "So the message to the young people is that males are not needed, or Dad is not needed. That's dangerous because it's going to set up guys who will not take care of their kids, and kids who will not respect or understand the males and women who will say, 'Ah, they're not needed anyway.'"
I have a 7 year old daughter. She, like many children these days, watches entirely too much television. The Nielsen Co. reported that in 2009, children’s television viewing had reached an eight-year high. Children ages 2 to 5 watched TV for more than 32 hours a week. Kids ages 6 to 8 spent 28 hours per week in front of the tube, most likely because they were in school, explains Nielsen. The Kaiser Family Foundation also conducted research on the media habits of children ages 8 to 18. Kaiser found that on average, this age group spends 4½ hours each day watching TV in various forms, including on their mobile phones and the Internet.
- Children who consistently spend more than 4 hours per day watching TV are more likely to be overweight.
- Kids who view violent acts are more likely to show aggressive behavior but also fear that the world is scary and that something bad will happen to them.
- TV characters often depict risky behaviors, such as smoking and drinking, and also reinforce gender-role and racial stereotypes.
But there's more to it than that. Have you ever paid attention to the shows your children or grandchildren, or children in general watch? Sit down some day and watch the Disney channel for a few hours. You are sure to notice something. That something is how fathers are are depicted in almost every show, if they're seen at all. Look at the average sitcom father. We have gone from Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, a family doctor, a black man, a positive influence in the lives of many real word fathers and young children, to not even in the picture. And that brings me back to the Disney channel.
Show example number one, "Jessie". The series follows Jessie Prescott (Debby Ryan), a young woman from a small town with big dreams who, rebelling against her strict father, decides to leave the military base in Texas where she grew up and moves to New York City. She accepts a job as a nanny and moves into a multi-million dollar penthouse on the Upper West Side with the wealthy Ross family which includes: jet-setting parents, Morgan and Christina; and their four rambunctious children: Emma Ross, Luke Ross, Ravi Ross and Zuri Ross. Assisting her are Bertram Winkle, the family's lazy and sarcastic butler, and Tony, the building's 20-year-old doorman.
So we have dad number one, Jessie's father. Overbearing, strict, in the military, completely out of the picture. Unless we here some story about what a hard ass he was. Wealthy Ross family parents? Wandering the world while a nanny raises their (oh, how heartwarming) mostly adopted family. OK, let's stop right there for a moment. There is no positive parental role model in this show aimed directly at children. None. Of course that's fine because hey, they're rich and rich people have things to do. So, then we have Bertram, a portly old fellow who, instead of being made a positive male role model (why would we do that) is written as a whiny, lazy buffoon. The young man working the front desk? Incompetent moron. In fact, if it has a penis it made to look like a complete idiot. Except for Ravi, because he's not white, but they still hit pretty much every possible racial stereotype with his character.
Show example number two, "Austin & Ally". Ally Dawson is an aspiring singer-songwriter with extreme stage fright who works at her father's instrument shop at the Mall of Miami. Austin Moon is a singer. Ally writes the songs, Austin sings them, Trish de la Rosa is Austin's manager and personal stylist, and Austin's friend Dez Wade is their producer and music video maker.
I have yet to see a responsible adult character spend more than 5 minutes on this show. It's dad's store, yet no dad. Hell, no real adult. The few male characters are, again, written to look like clowns. Positive male role models here? Zero.
So who do we have on television to act as a reminder of what a father is supposed to be like? Let's see. Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Here's a description of Peter I found online. When he's not out causing mayhem, he can be found at home farting in Meg's face, avoiding Chris's hunger for fatherly attention, flat out ignoring Stewie's existence, and generally driving his family insane. Awesome. Frank Reynolds, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Frank Reynolds may legally be a father, but he did everything to avoid acting like one. In fact, he made a point of buying the gifts his children wanted for Christmas and keeping them for himself. If that wasn't bad enough, he forced his son into a sex ring and pretended to be engaged to his own daughter. At least this is one TV dad that had a fitting end: His children hated him so much that his tombstone read: "He was a dick of a father." What happened to dads like John Walton? Or Charles Ingalls? Or Howard Cunningham for Happy Days? How did we go from that to Homer Simpson? But I digress.
These are the shows that our children watch as they grow up. Like it or not, television and other forms of media have a huge influence on how children think. On what they think. That's why companies spend billions every year on advertising. Imagine being a young boy, growing up in a house where dad is around much, or at all. Or he's just not involved when he is. And you watch television, seeing these men portrayed at buffoons, incompetent, stupid. How long before you're convinced that dads are idiots. Dads are good for making money for the wife and kids to spend and holding down the couch. When did the television fathers go from the likes of Danny Tanner from full house, to an idiot like that depicted by Ray Ramano? And what influence has that had on children growing up watching it?
Women complain about being depicted as sex symbols, and that is somewhat true, but look at how men are portrayed. Not just in movies, but television shows, "reality" television, music videos and even books. We are apparently good for taking out the trash, if we remember (because we're really really dumb) or if we can stop watching sports long enough. We work, to pay the wife and kids. We always defer to the mother in matters of parenting, because we're incompetent. If we are portrayed in a "positive" manner it's because we're blowing shit up, being manly men and killing people. Watch any of the "Die Hard" series. Several movies with Arnold S. that come to mind. So, you can be a shitty father who makes up with his children after saving the world, or you can be a bumbling idiot. This is what our children spend 30 hours a week watching and learning. If dad isn't there to be a positive role model and show them how to do it right, who is?
...........
Yet their ineptitude is unrelenting. At home it is always the mother figure - long-suffering Mummy Pig, Wilma or Marge - who gallop to the rescue to fix everything he messes up. The more this image takes hold, the more the role of the father in the family unit is marginalized and the more hurtful this will be to society.
Yet their ineptitude is unrelenting. At home it is always the mother figure - long-suffering Mummy Pig, Wilma or Marge - who gallop to the rescue to fix everything he messes up. The more this image takes hold, the more the role of the father in the family unit is marginalized and the more hurtful this will be to society.
"Negative general portrayals of fathers/husbands/men in TV commercials and sit-coms contributes to a decrease in men wanting to assume those roles in society, and creates the impression among others that men need not assume such roles anyways, that such simply aren't important."
Read more:
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865574236/Dumbing-down-Dad-How-media-present-husbands-fathers-as-useless.html?pg=all
http://cnsnews.com/news/article/fatherhood-group-studies-tvs-portrayal-male-figures
Paternity leave
63% of 1500 CEOs and human resource directors said it was not reasonable for a father to take a leave after the birth of a child
California in 2002 and became the first state to guarantee six weeks of paid leave for mothers and fathers. 62 countries, other than the United States, require paid paternity leave. Russia, Rwanda, Cambodia? Even Guatemala requires it. But not the U.S.
"We're so indoctrinated that work is our life -- we really struggle with that," says Randell Turner, Ph.D., vice president of the National Fatherhood Initiative (www.fatherhood.org), a non-profit group dedicated to promoting the importance of fathers.
When a sports player had the audacity to miss a couple games to be with his wife during child birth, and the child after, he was ridiculed mercilessly. It because quite evident that much of our society felt a game was much more important than the well being of wife and child, was certainly more important than the chance to bond with a child. Get back you to work!
The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) allows parents and other caretakers to take up to 12 weeks unpaid, job-protected leave if they work at a company with 50 or more employees. A large number of workers aren't covered under this act, since only about half of U.S. workers are employed by a company of 50 or more people. According to the National Partnership for Women & Families, only 22 percent of employees who are eligible for leave under the FMLA take it, mainly because most can't afford the loss of income
"The trend is in the right direction but still very small," says Professor Malin, who has tracked paternity leave policies and practices since the 1980s. His research shows that ongoing "workplace hostility" at many companies still prevents men from actually using the benefit.
"It must be paid and it must be supported at the top," he says. "If men believe (the leave policy) shouldn't be used or 'there goes my career,' they won't take it."
~http://life.familyeducation.com/working-parents/fathers-day/36483.html#ixzz3Buo3vf5J
California in 2002 and became the first state to guarantee six weeks of paid leave for mothers and fathers. 62 countries, other than the United States, require paid paternity leave. Russia, Rwanda, Cambodia? Even Guatemala requires it. But not the U.S.
"We're so indoctrinated that work is our life -- we really struggle with that," says Randell Turner, Ph.D., vice president of the National Fatherhood Initiative (www.fatherhood.org), a non-profit group dedicated to promoting the importance of fathers.
When a sports player had the audacity to miss a couple games to be with his wife during child birth, and the child after, he was ridiculed mercilessly. It because quite evident that much of our society felt a game was much more important than the well being of wife and child, was certainly more important than the chance to bond with a child. Get back you to work!
The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) allows parents and other caretakers to take up to 12 weeks unpaid, job-protected leave if they work at a company with 50 or more employees. A large number of workers aren't covered under this act, since only about half of U.S. workers are employed by a company of 50 or more people. According to the National Partnership for Women & Families, only 22 percent of employees who are eligible for leave under the FMLA take it, mainly because most can't afford the loss of income
In certain conditions, employees or employers may choose to substitute accrued paid leave (such as sick or vacation leave) to cover some or all of the FMLA leave. However, an employee is not guaranteed this-- paid leave is determined by the terms and conditions of the employer's normal leave policy. Therefore, some employers have the right to prohibit men from converting accrued paid sick leave to paternity leave.
Timberland is one of only a handful of companies offering paid paternity-leave. IBM and Microsoft also give dads two weeks; Merrill Lynch, the insurance giant, offers one week.
"The trend is in the right direction but still very small," says Professor Malin, who has tracked paternity leave policies and practices since the 1980s. His research shows that ongoing "workplace hostility" at many companies still prevents men from actually using the benefit.
"It must be paid and it must be supported at the top," he says. "If men believe (the leave policy) shouldn't be used or 'there goes my career,' they won't take it."
~http://life.familyeducation.com/working-parents/fathers-day/36483.html#ixzz3Buo3vf5J
So, if you're lucky enough to work for a large enough company, and you're lucky enough to have scratched together a little money, then you can take some time off to be with your brand new child. If not, get back to work. How many employers would tell that to a new mother? Hey, congrats on popping out the bambino, now get back at it. And that is assuming that you haven't been convinced by society and your coworkers that you're somehow less of a man if you do take the time off.
And what of the "low income" fathers who can barely afford to pay the bills? They certainly can't afford time off to bond with their child. And this all assuming that their exists a healthy relationship between both parents. That isn't always true. How is a father to bond with his child if not allowed to see them until after the court demands it, or until after the paternity test comes back? We have the option to blame, to ridicule, to second guess the parents, or we can help the father. We can take the time and effort to remind the father of every bad choice he's made, or we help him.
And even if you are lucky enough to work for a company with paid leave, or you work for the federal government, a state or local government, or any company that has 50 or more employees working within 75 miles of your workplace. AND you've worked for your employer for at least 12 months and for at least 1,250 hours during the previous year (which comes out to 25 hours per week for 500 weeks) then, and only then you qualify for 12 weeks UNPAID family leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act.
Of course there are catches even then. Because we all know that work, profit, money and the well being of our employers is far more important than that of children. You can be legally denied this leave if you're in the highest paid 10 percent of wage earners at your company and they can show that your absence would cause substantial economic harm to the organization. If you and your partner both work for the same company you're only entitled to a combined 12 weeks of parental leave between the two of you. Not true if you work for two different companies. The dollar is far more important to our culture than the family. And we wonder why there are so many issues.
The what?
The plight of the American father. Have you ever thought about? We focus on women and their issues. We spend billions of dollars helping them with those issues. What of the fathers? Look online, or in the phone book, or just look around. Do you see any services or programs for dads? Now, do the same for women. Notice the difference? And no, I'm not one of those angry white men about to go on a tirade about women and minorities and oh poor me. That isn't what this about. It's about a real problem this is mostly ignored in this country. In the world really. That problem is the expectations put on a father, the judgement, the guilt and the lack of any real support. Men are told to suck it up, be man, take care of your responsibilities. Women get the opposite. That is an undeniable truth.
Here are some examples to highlight my point.
"Despite current interest in father involvement in families, an extremely large proportion of family research focuses on mothers and children. Health care agencies and other organizations exclude fathers, often unwittingly. Starting with pregnancy and labor and delivery most appointments are set up for mothers and held at times when fathers work. The same is true for most pediatric visits. School records and files in family service organizations often have the child's and mother's name on the label, and not the father's. In most family agency buildings, the walls are typically pastel colors, the pictures on the wall are of mothers, flowers and babies, the magazines in the waiting room are for women and the staff is predominantly female. In most welfare offices, fathers are not invited to case planning meetings, and when a home visitor is greeted at the door by a man, she often asks to speak with the mother. Given these scenarios, fathers are likely to get the message that they are invisible or irrelevant to their children's welfare, unless it involves financial support."
~The decline of fatherhood and the male identity crisis
Published on June 19, 2011 by Ray Williams in Wired for Success
We have all heard the term "deadbeat dad". Oh, how we have heard it. Because if you are a man and you have child you're suddenly a walking wallet. The same is never applied to a mom. By many estimates mothers receive primary custody 68-88% of the time, fathers receive primary custody 8-14%, and equal residential custody is awarded in only 2-6% of the cases. There is (an admittedly improving) bias in the family court system toward the fathers. It's painfully obvious to most people. NOLO.com says this: If you are a father and want to ask the court for physical custody, do not let gender stereotypes stop you. If both you and the mother work full-time, and the kids have after-school care, you may be on equal footing. In fact, if you have more flexible hours than the mother, you could have a leg up. In any event, the judge will look at what's best for the children. So if you think that you should have primary custody and that you can persuade the judge that it's in the kids' best interests, you should go ahead and ask for custody. If you present yourself as willing and able to parent, it will go a long way towards challenging any lingering prejudice against you as a father. Sure, that's easy to say, until you experience the bias for yourself.
The point is, there is a common misconception that the father doesn't have a choice. Many dads simply go along with it because it's the norm, it's what society expects. Mom stays home with the kids, dad mans up and provides. That the way it is, that's the way it's supposed to. But is it? Should it be? Why is it socially acceptable for a woman to be a stay at home parent but when the dad does the same he's given many disparaging labels. We expect the father to do many things, but rarely offer them help. Fathers are supposed to figure it out on their own. And when they can't, we just let them fail and then blame them for that failure. The same is certainly not true of of the mom. Some sources attempt to claim that there is no bias when it comes to custody. They look at "who's best for the child". How can a father be best if they don't know how?
If a man has never been given the tools to succeed, the knowledge to use the tools and the support in finding the intestinal fortitude to use all these things, how can he? Take for example basic cooking skills and nutrition. Right or wrong, the majority of women who become mothers have at least rudimentary skill in the kitchen. If the extent of the fathers skill is making a sandwich and opening a box of noodles, how can he have faith and confidence in his ability to feed his children? It's simply easier to let them stay with mom. Because he becomes convinced that it's the better option. And society reinforces that belief. That's just one of many issues facing fathers. There are many more. The social stigma attached to asking for any kind of help. The appearance of bias in family court and family law. The shaming of fathers who make poor choices simply because no one ever took the time to teach them differently. When a mom is poor she's often encouraged to seek state assistance, and then told to "go after that dad for support". When a dad is poor he's told to go get a job.
Why does any of this matter? Because children from a fatherless home are:
Here are some examples to highlight my point.
"Despite current interest in father involvement in families, an extremely large proportion of family research focuses on mothers and children. Health care agencies and other organizations exclude fathers, often unwittingly. Starting with pregnancy and labor and delivery most appointments are set up for mothers and held at times when fathers work. The same is true for most pediatric visits. School records and files in family service organizations often have the child's and mother's name on the label, and not the father's. In most family agency buildings, the walls are typically pastel colors, the pictures on the wall are of mothers, flowers and babies, the magazines in the waiting room are for women and the staff is predominantly female. In most welfare offices, fathers are not invited to case planning meetings, and when a home visitor is greeted at the door by a man, she often asks to speak with the mother. Given these scenarios, fathers are likely to get the message that they are invisible or irrelevant to their children's welfare, unless it involves financial support."
~The decline of fatherhood and the male identity crisis
Published on June 19, 2011 by Ray Williams in Wired for Success
We have all heard the term "deadbeat dad". Oh, how we have heard it. Because if you are a man and you have child you're suddenly a walking wallet. The same is never applied to a mom. By many estimates mothers receive primary custody 68-88% of the time, fathers receive primary custody 8-14%, and equal residential custody is awarded in only 2-6% of the cases. There is (an admittedly improving) bias in the family court system toward the fathers. It's painfully obvious to most people. NOLO.com says this: If you are a father and want to ask the court for physical custody, do not let gender stereotypes stop you. If both you and the mother work full-time, and the kids have after-school care, you may be on equal footing. In fact, if you have more flexible hours than the mother, you could have a leg up. In any event, the judge will look at what's best for the children. So if you think that you should have primary custody and that you can persuade the judge that it's in the kids' best interests, you should go ahead and ask for custody. If you present yourself as willing and able to parent, it will go a long way towards challenging any lingering prejudice against you as a father. Sure, that's easy to say, until you experience the bias for yourself.
The point is, there is a common misconception that the father doesn't have a choice. Many dads simply go along with it because it's the norm, it's what society expects. Mom stays home with the kids, dad mans up and provides. That the way it is, that's the way it's supposed to. But is it? Should it be? Why is it socially acceptable for a woman to be a stay at home parent but when the dad does the same he's given many disparaging labels. We expect the father to do many things, but rarely offer them help. Fathers are supposed to figure it out on their own. And when they can't, we just let them fail and then blame them for that failure. The same is certainly not true of of the mom. Some sources attempt to claim that there is no bias when it comes to custody. They look at "who's best for the child". How can a father be best if they don't know how?
If a man has never been given the tools to succeed, the knowledge to use the tools and the support in finding the intestinal fortitude to use all these things, how can he? Take for example basic cooking skills and nutrition. Right or wrong, the majority of women who become mothers have at least rudimentary skill in the kitchen. If the extent of the fathers skill is making a sandwich and opening a box of noodles, how can he have faith and confidence in his ability to feed his children? It's simply easier to let them stay with mom. Because he becomes convinced that it's the better option. And society reinforces that belief. That's just one of many issues facing fathers. There are many more. The social stigma attached to asking for any kind of help. The appearance of bias in family court and family law. The shaming of fathers who make poor choices simply because no one ever took the time to teach them differently. When a mom is poor she's often encouraged to seek state assistance, and then told to "go after that dad for support". When a dad is poor he's told to go get a job.
Why does any of this matter? Because children from a fatherless home are:
- 5 times more likely to commit suicide
- 32 times more likely to run away
- 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
- Boys are 14 times more likely to commit rape
- 9 times more likely to drop out of high school
- 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances
- 9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution
- 20 times more like to end up in prison
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